i saw my old teammates last night and had a bunch of drinks with them. of course, the first thing everyone would ask each other was how we're doing at our new jobs. we all resigned this year and are just getting used to the new jobs we have. and the thing is, i found that i was dreading the moment when it would be my turn to talk.

i've been on crisis mode since the middle of this year. constantly thinking about what i want to finally do with my life. the year is almost up and here i am still no plans. i know sometimes the best you can do is get up every morning and show up at your 9 to 5 job and power through. but it's getting old for me. 

so here i am, at half past four in the afternoon, panicking. what am i going to do with this life? this is the same sense of panic i felt that pushed me to take my previous job (where i stayed for three years, and became miserable by the end). so when a friend offered a way out, i took it. not because it was something that genuinely excites me, but because it was time to leave. it was my sanity on the line, and i couldn't afford to be jobless. 

i just read through a friend's blog and cried because i am so moved by the way she is struggling with the very thing she loves. and i want to find that struggle. i want to be so frustratingly in love with what i do and struggle with it. i want to wake up in the morning jumping out of my bed because i can't wait to do things that need to be done. 

i always thought i'd live a life dedicated to this country. and i feel like i am wasting the good years of my life not doing that. i feel like i'm running out of time to figure things out. i want to get out of the city so bad so i can really have this conversation with myself. but i can't afford a vacation. so i guess this Christmas break, i'll be spending my waking hours meditating on this question: ano ba ang maiaalay mo sa bayan at paano mo ito maisasakatuparan?