Fast forward to 2018, one of my new year's resolutions is to live a more feminist life, if that makes sense. I want to live an authentically feminist life: to be a more self-reflexive, principled, intentional, live-out-loud feminist. What does it matter that I talk about feminism in safe spaces but clamp up when faced with oppressive comments about womanhood? When my indignation quiets down when confronted with the reality of our oppression? I can tweet about empowering women all I want, but if it doesn't translate in real life, what kind of a feminist am I?
Last January 27, I attended Grrrl Meet # 6 hosted by Grrrl Gang Manila. Grrrl Gang Manila, according to their Facebook page, aims to create a safe, non-judgmental space for women in the Philippines to discuss the issues that affect them. This girl meet was fortuitous: the topic is on Reproductive Autonomy. The speaker they invited was an actual OB-GYNE. The venue was fitting as Mich Dulce's show entitled "At least I won't regret anything" was on display at Finale Art File. It was cathartic to listen stories similar to mine and share my experiences.
Before the speaker arrived, we had a group discussion with all the attendees. We tried to thresh out the issues that we face as women in the Filipino society. These issues reflect a deeper narrative that continues to reduce the agency of women to make choices about how to live their lives. And this agency is also taken from us when it comes to decisions affecting our bodies: reproductive autonomy. Reproductive autonomy is having the freedom to make choices that directly affect our reproductive health. We've seen it last year in the way our access to birth control pills was easily threatened. We see it in the way society would question our decisions on having children.
Before this girl meet, I have never met an OB. I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend since I have never ever gone to see a gynecologist. My curiosity won out and I actually enjoyed myself. I don't know how true it is for most people: but my fear of hospitals (and doctors, by extension) is very real. I feel anxious about calling and setting an appointment. It's one of the aspects of being an adult that I particularly dislike.
Just by looking at the attendees on this girl meet, our concerns were mostly on contraception and safe sex, doctors' bedside manners and patient care, queries on reproductive health (PCOS, endometriosis, sexually transmitted infections). Meeting an OB in real life and getting to know how she manages her patients put us at ease. She spoke about our options when it comes to contraception and ran the costs down. She gave us tips on where to get some for free. She talked about common reproductive health issues and when its best to have children for girls with these issues. She listened to horror stories some girls had with doctors. She told us her own stories of patients whose autonomy is taken away from them due to policies. She told us what goes through her mind when consulting with a patient. That the least of her concern is passing judgment. Her foremost purpose is to provide her patients ample knowledge to decide on how to deal with health issues concerning their bodies.
Part of every girl meet is actual action planning. We listed down things we could realistically work on as an answer to the many problems and questions surrounding the topic. Hearing about other women's experiences and from what I know, what we need are solutions that affect policy, laws, and institutions. It can begin at both the grassroots level and the top level. Information dissemination campaigns can only do well if our institutions respect the choices we make.
Part of every girl meet is actual action planning. We listed down things we could realistically work on as an answer to the many problems and questions surrounding the topic.
This post contains some of my reflections from this meet.
NOTIONS OF WOMANHOOD, SEX, FAMILY LIFE
We have an endless fountain of questions that clues us into how the Filipino society views womanhood. From sexualizing young girls, to highlighting insecurities, to relationship choices: Di ka pwede lumabas ng bahay, lalo ka lang iitim! Do you really want that second cup of rice? O, hija, you look pretty sana, pero parang tumaba ka! Uy, dalaga ka na, huli kitang nakita, liit mo pa! Do you have a boyfriend? When are you guys getting married? Oh, when are you guys going to have a baby? You're not getting any younger, when are you going to get a man? Don't you want children of your own? Why would you want to adopt? These are just some of the questions we are bombarded with. And let's be honest: whatever your answer is, they'll tell you you're either too young to decide for yourself or too old to wait it out.
Thankfully, I don't have awkward conversations with my family about my love life or my personal life choices. But lots of friends and acquaintances feel the need to ask. These questions are some awkward form of small talk: a preoccupation on someone's private affairs. As I grow older, this becomes a reality I have to face daily. At work, I experience other women asking about my relationship. When I mention how long we've been together, they continue to ask when we plan to settle down and have children. I used to have a canned answer: maybe in three years and we're not planning to have children at all. These women are taken aback by that declaration: sayang naman ang genes nyo! or bata pa kasi kayo, magbabago rin yan! It's tiring to hear this. Why do I have to justify our joint decision to anyone?
I've caught myself preoccupied about these questions, too.We are deeply socialized to ask these questions. We learn this from a young age. Is she over 40? Why doesn't she have a family? And I figure it out, she's single. Why do I have to care if one woman over 40 isn't married yet and doesn't have children? Having a family does not define her womanhood. Why do I have to know if a kid has a father? I was raised by a single mom. I know that it's okay to be raised by one parent. Why do I feel the need to ask if they're actually married? It doesn't make a difference if they can raise their child together. Why do I have to know why they're unattached? Relationships aren't for everyone. Every time a question like this pops in my head, I try to be more reflective about where they come from. Asking people about very personal life choices and berating them for their answers won't deepen my connections. I don't want these questions thrown at me so why should I put someone through that?
While these questions about settling down and starting a family are pervasive, sex is still a taboo topic in Filipino culture. There's this expectation to reproduce and get married; yet young men and women are left to figure out sex on their own. Parents seem to think that we can figure this out and not make mistakes. We grow up watching western TV shows that portray parents talking to teenagers about the birds and the bees. No matter how stilted or cliche their metaphors are about sex, we still see them educating their children. Or maybe the P.E. class shows them some gory video on sex ed. Young people now have no trouble googling all these questions their parents won't answer or topics schools don't even cover. It's comforting to have a real person talk to you about these things and openly discuss the what's, how's, and why's of it all. And in our patriarchal society, girls are usually left with the burden of protecting themselves from toxic macho bullshit.
REPRODUCTIVE AUTONOMY
I never really think about fertility or my body clock or even having babies. Full disclosure: I used to think that I wanted to have kids. I used to imagine a life, a home, with a husband and children. I don't know why that changed. But after reflecting on babies and life in general, I realize that I don't want to have children. And if I ever decide to have kids, I prefer adopting over having biological children. I've talked with my partner about these choices. We're on the same page right now. We are not pressured by a body clock or a timeline. We're just enjoying the life we're building together. I am lucky to be in a relationship where my choices about my body are respected and honored. Not all women have this.
There are still misconceptions about reproductive autonomy: that it's about legalizing abortion (through contraception, etc). It isn't that. It's about CHOICE. It's about women deciding to do what they want with their bodies - whether it's deciding to have sex or not have sex, have kids, or not have kids. Women decide - not the church, not the state, or any other entity. It's about being educated about how to exercise our choices.
Women armed with the right knowledge can decide better. We need our government to push for policy that would educate all women. And we need our government to even be better at executing the policy. Couple that education with healthcare workers who provide psychologically safe environments for women to open up about their health issues, then we can truly exercise that autonomy. Our healthcare system needs to be empathetic to patients. I'm glad I met a doctor who seems to value this safe and open environment.
REPRODUCTIVE JUSTICE
One of the things floated during the discussion was the concept of Reproductive Justice: the intersection between reproductive rights and social justice. You can read about reproductive justice (RJ) in SisterSong's website. SisterSong is an American organization that aims to build a network that would work to improve policies and systems that impact the reproductive lives of marginalized communities. According to this organization, RJ is the human right to maintain personal bodily autonomy, have children, not have children, and parent the children we have in safe sustainable communities. RJ is a human right and focuses on providing access to the choices available to women.
We can talk about making autonomous choices that affect our bodies all day. But if we are not provided access to the knowledge, tools, care, and options presented to us, how do we even get to make that choice? RJ is an inclusive framework as it looks at intersecting oppressions that women face. It's also about providing access to the most marginalized groups. Because only when we lift those at the margins can we begin to achieve justice.
In a country like ours that seems to be the most gender equal country in Asia (10th in the world as of 2017), the realities of women mired in poverty paint a very different picture. Filipina women are being held down by the combined oppressive systems of the patriarchy and poverty. We are constantly held back by institutions that perpetuate traditional gender norms. 59.3% of young girls drop out of school due to marriage or family matters (PSA, 2017). Women still do more domestic work than men. Dropping out of school early means that women are at a disadvantage to men for qualifications for gainful employment. And for those who stay in school, the kind of education they receive is not necessarily empowering. Educational institutions are one of the structures that perpetuate traditional gender norms. This is were we learn about the family and the roles of men and women. This is how women are given the homemaker's role. This is how men grow up not participating in housework.
Women being underemployed or unemployed does not give them ample capital to access resources that would inform their choices. And when they do get employed, women still face discrimination in terms of opportunities presented to them, perceptions of women in the workplace (bossy, emotional, etc), and pay inequalities. We need to look at the intersecting issues that enable the systemic oppression of women in our country.
ON TAKING ACTION
Hearing about other women's experiences and from what I know, what we need are solutions that affect policy, laws, and institutions. It can begin at both the grassroots level and the top level. Information dissemination campaigns can only do well if our institutions respect the choices we make. I try my best to share things on social media. To at least make people aware of what they can find on the internet. I have compiled links on different topics regarding sex and reproductive health from various resources. We can't educate everyone overnight. What we can do is start with ourselves. And pass it along to other women.
Reproductive rights and womanhood:
- Beginner's Guide to Reproductive Rights (Everyday Feminism, 2015)
- Myths about Womanhood (Fabello, 2017)
Tough questions about sex:
- On Consent: So what is consent? Consent is an active agreement to engage in sexual activity with someone. Sexual activity is not limited to actual sex. It includes all the antecedent activities that we engage in: kissing, oral, anal, sexting, etc.
- How to Decide if You’re Ready for Sex: Basically, this says that if you're not ready to talk about the consequences of having sex, you aren't ready.
- From Contraception from Cosmo PH: this list includes the IUD, the pill, implants, shots, the emergency pill, and some natural ways to track fertility
- From Contraception from Esquire PH: this was adopted from Cosmopolitan PH's list: they added vasectomy and removed the natural methods
- From Smart Parenting:
- From Rappler: I want to adopt, how do I go about this?
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