here is a boy

I looked at you and thought, now here is a boy I could like. And boy, did I like you, how I loved you. And yet, here we are, miles apart, worlds divided in two. I haven't the faintest idea how I am surviving everyday. But I am.

So you see, I don't know what came over me. Why I ever agreed to such a heart-wrenching night. Maybe it was how I unconsciously wanted to purge you out of my system. Or it had everything to do with me missing you. The moment I saw you, I wanted to run away and hide. Why did I ever agree to this? At the same time, I wanted to reach for your hands, kiss your cheeks, mess up your hair. Gosh, I wanted you to look at me and smile the same old smile I love. I wanted you to pull me in for a bear hug.

And yes, I wanted to look into your eyes and see exactly how the month has made you better or worse. I wanted to see your pain, bare in front of me. I wanted to know how you suffer while I suffer. And how badly I wanted you to say you love me and that you take it all back. If moving on is an exercise in control, then we have both failed. Here I am, watching you reach for your phone and go on talking to someone else. And you don't even understand how much that hurt me. I am sick with worry about how you'll cope with having no one around to be your person anymore. I am sick over worrying about you still. I know time will heal my wounds so I quit worrying about myself for a minute. I was so afraid of saying the wrong things all night. I think we said all the wrong things all at once. They're out in the open. And what's more, I said the three forbidden words. And the sad part was, I said them out of habit. I said it out of habit but I meant every word.

No, I don't want you back. Sometimes, I think I want you back. Mostly, I don't. It's a tug-of-war between wanting and not wanting really. But no matter how unsure I am of my future, I do acknowledge that we have to go our separate ways now. There's just so much of ourselves we can give. And trust me, I am capable of so much more. But there comes a point when I have to stop giving and giving. We can leave the what ifs and maybes for future use. We'll be here, but it won't ever be the same.