infinities

I remember someone (I forgot who, maybe it was R) telling me how the fewer lovers you have the more you have to give to the one. That once you love someone you've somehow lost a piece of your heart. And that piece will never be yours again. It talks about love and heart like they are finite and limited things.

I disagree. The heart can expand and embrace infinities. Think of it as a home: it is only as good as how you take care of it. Some homes stand the test of time. Some homes crumble. The more experienced ones, those who survive, know what it means to give everything to someone. And by everything, I mean everything that you need and want to give, which doesn't include your entirety as a person. I think every time you choose to love someone new, no matter what his number is in your love life, you always get to give him your whole heart. Everyone you've ever loved before and everything you've ever felt before remains with you. That piece comes back as a lesson about who you are and it expands your self-knowledge. And that's what brought you to that point: the choice to give everything you have, even when you've given a lot of yourself to other people. Because not giving everything just seems like a waste of time.

What I would give to the world to replace this love I feel for you with something else. Everyone says you'll always have space in your heart for everyone you've ever loved. I'm not tossing you out of my heart. I just want you to occupy a smaller, more appropriate space. You can't take everything out of me when you're giving none of what I want out of you.

I can't keep wondering what you're doing all the time or who you choose to spend it with. When you leave me hanging in a conversation, is it because you're so engrossed by her existence? When you stop to call her at night, I wonder, does her voice make your heart beat a little faster? When you drive her home some nights, do you reach for her hand when sitting at stop signs? When you say she makes you happy, what does that even mean? And when you say I make you happy, what am I supposed to make of that?

Some days I wake up thinking how fortunate I am to have you out of my life in that way. But some days I wonder what it would be like if we're still us, you and me.

And then I go and remind myself that this whole thing is a process. And it is okay to feel this way sometimes. I tell myself: Don't go inside that vortex. You're better than that. Go from moment to moment and weigh things.