hope

I am relieved. I am relieved. I am relieved. I cannot say this enough to myself.

For a while now, I have been thinking about how the rest of my life ought to be. I guess my quarter-life crisis was instigated by the fact that I was just not happy. Or I kept thinking that the best thing to do in my situation is wait it out. But somewhere along the way, I blew up. And you blew up on me. Turns out, waiting wasn't the best option.

The last three years has been a drawn out lesson on life and the people you keep in it. Well, in mine for that matter. I grew up so much and discovered things about myself that I need to improve on. And I've also discovered that there are some things that should not be negotiable. This isn't the first time the rug has been pulled from under me. I fell apart more than a year ago, and in a bigger way. This time, the blow wasn't as hard or as devastating. But it still hurt like hell. To get your heart broken twice (maybe more) by the same person you trusted to not do so, that's excruciating; that's unfair. But nothing in life is fair.

I have been stuck like glue on you, on us. But not anymore. I am moving forward with my life. Closure really is something you can get from within you. I got mine. Thank you for letting go when I couldn't. It is amazing to me that I cannot feel anger or hate towards you. I got what I wanted: motive to move. Granted, I know I'll still be doing a slew of stupid things. But that's a given.

At this point in my life, I can't resist the gravitational pull of other things I want to explore anymore. I have been resisting. I need to get comfortable with the fact that I'm single, in my mid-twenties. I need to move out of my comfort zone because it isn't there anymore. And it's okay to be alone at such a tumultuous moment of my life. I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, and if I take one more step I'll see a whole new world opening up to me. All I have to do is save up on courage for when I am ready to take that step.

I have roughly a month to go before my 25th birthday. Like everyone my age, we think life is a ticking time bomb we have to race against. And though I do not believe in setting deadlines for maturity, I will dedicate this month to myself, and how I can make the most of right now. Because right now is what's important. In a month, or maybe less, I'll be in a better position to think in future tense. That's the hope, I guess.