we'd all like to be the other girl

I have decided that I will be okay. Without you in my life. If in this life time we are granted another chance to reconnect as friends, I'll welcome that. But right now, I cannot have any sort of relationship with you. I've accepted that you let me go. And I'm grateful that you did that. I've always taken pride in that I was never the one who chose to let go every time. But this time, I'm letting you go.

I don't want to know about how you're coping with pain. I don't want to know how your day went or when your promotion will take effect. I don't want to know who you choose to spend your dinners with. I don't want to know what movies you watched this week and what you recommend. (Clearly, I want to know these things but I don't need to know). I tried to be a friend for a while. It didn't work out. I can't keep up this charade anymore. I can't sit here while you tell me your plans with someone else. I am so proud of what you have accomplished so far. My heart aches because I can't be with you to celebrate all those things you've worked hard for. If you ever read this, I said that I'll be here. Know that you can reach out to me any time. And I'll try my best to be there if you really need me. 

I admit, I've been so busy thinking about the ways the pain can sneak up on me in the future and paralyze me. I’ve been too busy trying to decipher how I’m supposed to feel. I failed to notice that this time, I’m not as hopeless and devastated as the last time this happened to me. I am not as pathetic. Granted, this is the same unbalanced feeling that I had to face. But this time, the circumstances are different. Yes, letting you go myself was heartbreaking but I always knew it had to be done. I was just trying to resist it.

I’ve been on crisis mode since the middle of this year. I don’t talk about it a lot with other people. I had a hard time even acknowledging that I was having a crisis. But I was unhappy and unsatisfied about where I was. So I had to look at where I was and how to get out of that rut. I really thought my relationship was the most stable part of my life. I had an anchor. I had a future tense all lined up. I never thought the future tense was all lined up for me until you came along. I'd still like to be her, the girl you keep around to tell every single thing that's in your heart. I would have married you in a heartbeat. But it's just not meant to be. So this break up really made me feel lost. 

But I think I'm back on track. I know it will take a bit longer to get you out of my system. And even longer to figure my life out. So cheers to the unknowable future.