letter #283562

hey.

i realize that after this week, i wouldn't know where you are or be able to surmise what you're doing or who you're with. unless you volunteer information and talk to me. but that wouldn't happen. i'm not sure how to feel about this. it's been two months and i still don't know how to feel about all this.

two weeks ago, we spoke about rekindling things between us. i don't know if you came back from a place of loneliness or desperation. but i know i came back with the honest and sincere intention to fix things and just get back together because i have deep love for you. days before my birthday, we even watched such a long movie (i found that i don't have stamina for movies like that). and had a sort of date like old times. you even said you'd contribute for my birthday.

and i believed it. that you were sincere in your want to try again. i got my hopes up. i got excited again. at the back of my mind, i was thinking about the logistics of all of these things. but my main focus was that, hey, we have a chance at this still.

two days later, i got my heart broken again. how do you manage to break something that's already broken in the first place? how do i still manage to put my fragile trust in your hands and hope for the best?

here we are now, roughly two weeks later. here we are now, having weird and stuttered conversations over things that used to matter. here i am, missing you still. how do two people who used to be everything to each other suddenly be nothing to one another? or to be exact about this, how can i be nothing to you after everything?

it's kind of sad how gullible love makes people like me fall into traps. the good thing to come out of all these things is that i haven't lost that wonder and that belief that love is something too beautiful to not experience again. love is used to making cynics out of people. if anything, love made me hope for something more in the future.

i wonder how this has affected you.

have a great week and take care.

all my love,
nikki