today isn't such a good day

i still cannot sleep soundly. not even with the blanket wrapped around me tightly. i rarely ever dream, or if i do, i never remember it. i'm starting to think all my dreams are nightmares if i wake up mid-sleep. you not wanting me was the beginning of my sleepless nights. 

i'm surprised that i can get through days without you around. there are times when i almost grab my phone and almost type a message for you. it takes so much effort to not do that. it takes so much out of me to not reach out to you. i'm tired of catching glimpses of you in our social media orbit. i'm sick of having this uneasy feeling in my stomach. will i ever be good enough?

i'm the least insecure person i know. you'll hear me calling myself fat and whatnot. but, to be honest, i'm never that girl who turns to dust with a few criticisms. even with my personal life crisis going on, i never felt super insecure. and now, all of a sudden, i'm turning into this disaster of a person all because you chose to walk away. 

i have to live with the fact that there isn't any way in the world that you'll wake up wanting to have me back in your life. that you won't fly back here tomorrow and haul yourself to my doorstep with the biggest apology in the world. that you'll suddenly decide that we can fix this and you're willing to put in the time and the work to make everything happen again. it's a door that i should close. and if you want back in you're going to have to bring a giant crowbar. 

but i know that every time i see you, i'll crumble at your feet. i'll melt at your touch. it is insane how this whole thing makes me feel. i'm just good at keeping it from slipping through the cracks in my smiles and laughter. i'm not okay. and the only thing that would make me feel like the world is right again isn't here to heal me.