trigger warning

funny how a graffiti'd wall would take you years back to grade school. and how at first you didn't understand why girls wrote about boys on walls that boys wouldn't see. and how girls wrote about other girls in such a demeaning manner. but when you got old enough, you found out why.

when you are alone in the bathroom stall with a black marker, and when you think about how your life has been so far, what would you decide to write on that wall?

when I'm alone with my thoughts, i think about how your name has been carved into the walls of my heart. i think about how weightless and effortless it felt to fall in love with you. i guess love is like that, it gives life to dreams you didn't know you had. it's all the future talk you've never thought about before. 

falling for you was a decision i made from the beginning. i had all the will to stop but decided to be reckless and go all the way. i didn't want to miss how all of this could make me feel. i wore my heart on my sleeve. and it was a decision i made everyday. to love and love, and trust and trust, and accept and accept. everyday.

i've had countless conversations with myself in the mirror about you, about me, about us. and every time, i tell myself that i (flaws and all) have chosen to love you and be with you, flaws and all. because why not, right? i was happy when we were happy. i thought we had more good days than bad ones. and i thought the bad ones always ended up okay.

that's why it's so difficult for me to believe that someone i embraced wholeheartedly can just drop me so quickly. and tell me that he can't accept who i am and that he can't see a future with me. that someone i built my dreams with can just withhold love and tell me i'm not the one. i've been fighting this because i think finding the one is all about the decision to choose someone everyday.

i wanted you to choose me and stay with me and figure things out with me. and somehow, some way, you always chose to run away. and you always find a girl you'd settle being with because she's there and she might like you that way.  

i am not just a warm body you can set aside once you've had your fill. yes, my physical body has a way of remembering how good it felt to be with yours. it is almost instinctive the way my hands would reach for your hands or your arms. yes, it would be semi-automatic for me to want you in my life because it is so easy for me to take you back. i can forgive you and accept all the things you've done. i could do that for you. i would do that for you still. 

you promised forever and always. but look where we are now. don't tell me you have love for me when it is so easy for you to break my heart so many times. and besides, i cannot (should not have to) bear being with someone who cannot be brave enough to choose me everyday, bad days included. 

Love can kill you only if you allow it to.