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it's the first of November today. it's been two and a half months since we broke up. i've repeatedly told myself to quit you. to quit holding on to all hope. that i can't bet on the promise of who you will become in the future anymore. i have all this misplaced faith on you. and it's time to channel all of that faith somewhere else.

it's hard to not think of you and us when all i've ever done the past four years is just that. i have to stop chasing after someone who stopped chasing me a long time ago. i have to stop chasing after someone who keeps on running away. because if i ever catch up with you, who's to say that you'll actually stay and see us through? being in love with someone and being with them is equal parts chasing and running. or if i'm being realistic, both parties, at some point, will chase each other. and with you, i feel like i've been doing all the chasing. even after you've given up so many times, i end up being the one to knock on your door and work hard to get another chance. and it isn't fair.

i'm doing fine without you in my life. it sucks that i don't have a constant anymore. it sucks that all my routines are changing and i'm still adjusting. it sucks that you aren't here anymore. and it sucks that one of the people i thought will be there forever isn't there anymore. i know we were friends for about two minutes before we became a couple. i thought the friendship we had could survive this. now, i'm not sure anymore. i don't know if i can be friends with anyone who is a half-assed friend. but most days, i'm okay without you. i just feel off-kilter when you randomly insert yourself by sending messages or posting random photos. i'll get used to not having you around and someday, it won't suck as much. i'm leaving all this pain and hurt in 2016. i don't want it to spill over to next year, if i can help it.

good luck with the new girl. i don't like her because she's there and i'm not. i hope whatever you have with her is real. i don't have any right to assume anything about your connection to her. but it's kinda safe to say that you aren't JUST friends.  i don't know how you do it. giving yourself away piece by piece like life wouldn't be as meaningful if you don't have a romantic relationship on the side. i hope you've fixed that part of yourself you think is broken. i hope whatever it is that you're doing fills the void that i used to occupy. and yes, i'll claim that void. you can't have love like the way i loved you and not have a void after. it's narcissistic and shit, but i somehow believe it. good for you if i'm wrong.

i will always be someone you can come home to. even if i'm quitting you. the universe works in mysterious ways.