feminist and proud

Some people say it like it's a dirty word. Others cringe and wrinkle their noses at it. Nonetheless, I am proud to say I am a feminist.

I struggled with my feminism as a college student. It was not a label I willingly plastered upon myself. Labels are not always easy to carry around. I felt that if you call yourself a feminist, an activist, you carry the weight of the movement on your head. You have to be able to defend it and fight for it. And in college, the ideological dogma of feminism scared me. Taking up Sociology 101, the ideological discussion felt alienating. It was not a topic you can digest after three hours’ worth of lectures. I felt like I had to understand it first and then understand myself more before I called myself one. I felt like I have to be able to discuss it and defend it before I called myself one. So I shied away from calling myself a feminist.

Fortunately, back then, I was active in two organizations: both espousing the principles of Filipino Psychology: the psychology born out of the experience, thought, and orientation of Filipinos. The principles of my organizations always take into consideration the experience of the marginalized, oppressed, and powerless sectors of society. These being the foundation of my own principles, I feel like identifying myself as a feminist happened organically.

BEING A FILIPINA

According to the Global Gender Gap Report by the World Economic Forum last year, the Philippines is ranked number seven out of 144 countries. We are the number one country in Asia in terms of gender equality. Our score is at 0.786 with 1 being the highest equality score. Yes, women have been afforded the same rights as men. Yes, as a college-educated woman, I am given the same opportunity as men. Yes, we have the Magna Carta for women as well as other laws to protect us. Yes, a recent study by JWT Philippines found that 85% of Filipinas feel that there has never been a better time to be a woman. Yes, among those surveyed, only around 27% experience sexism at work, lower than the 42% average in the Asia Pacific region. Yes, 96% of women now see their femininity as a strength. Yes, 94% of women now recognize the need to stand up as mentors to fellow women.

But our society is still largely patriarchal. We have a long way to go. A woman is still seen as second to man. The passive, demure female is still the ideal kind of woman. A successful, strong woman is a bossy bitch. An angry woman is just bitching because she is on her period. Being emotional is still viewed as a weakness. The questions and struggles of womanhood have remained the same: the sinner-saint dichotomy, the value of a woman’s virginity, women's sexuality and reproductive health, etc. Conversations about women’s health and women’s bodies are still dominated by the voices of men rather than women: men in government, men in the clergy. Being a woman is more about what's between your legs than anything else. Being a woman in the Philippines, being a girl in this country, being a gender queer female or a transwoman, the day-to-day realities paint a different picture than our equality score.

Let me tell you some stories. Imagine a boy, roughly 11 or 12, telling you he'd like to fuck you and what else he'd like to do to you when you haven't even explored your own body. He tells you this during recess with a lascivious grin on his face. He’d get you alone in your own home and do things to your body. He was the tallest boy in class, and I was the shiny new girl. He talked about his dick all the time.  A boy as young as 12 has come to own his sexuality. And he is cheered on as he flaunts it. I was in 5th grade.

The year after, another boy talks about his cum while holding you against the wall. It was also around this time when I hung out with the more popular girls in my grade level ~ aka: the girls boys like to hang out with. This was how I met the first boy I kissed. He was from another school close to mine. We only see each other when his friends hung out with mine. It didn’t last. It was with this group of friends that I learned that you have to use your tongue when you kiss a boy. Or else, he’d find another girl to stick his tongue in. I was in 6th grade.

This was how I found myself being cheated on, the girl being completely opposite my appearance and personality: a bubbly, morena, chinky-eyed beauty, with bigger boobs and longer legs. This was how I learned that boys tended to stay with girls who give them access to their bodies. I was in first year high school. Granted, these “relationships” weren’t as real as the ones I had after or the one I have now. I can’t say if I was ever in love with the guy who cheated on me. But I somewhat understood what it meant to be monogamous and committed and he clearly didn’t.

This was how I learned that some men are gross and think they are entitled to women’s bodies. I was walking to school one morning. I chose to walk on the quieter road to school. The main thoroughfare was usually busy with cars and tricycles and I thought I’d like the early morning peace. It was a little past 6 am. A man was cycling towards my direction. I thought he was just an early riser, doing his morning exercise. Imagine my surprise when he circled back to me and showed me his dick. I don’t remember telling anyone about my morning. The next day, a friend of mine was harassed by the same man. He laid his hands on my friend.  I was still in high school.

This was how I learned how unaware men are of their actions. I was at work, about to dance for the presentation of our floor's Christmas lantern. I was wearing this green polka dot skirt and a red top - we had to look Christmas-y, right. I was speaking to our department head about our Christmas party. All of a sudden, this other officer came up to me and told me that my skirt was actually for the new year. I asked him why. He proceeded to touch a polka dot - which happened to be my mid-thigh. I was still seated and he was standing in front of me. I was so caught off-guard. And he did this right in front of our head. I rushed away from the situation feeling like something was wrong but couldn't voice it out. Was I being paranoid? Was I being feelingera? Is it valid to say I felt harassed and that it was inappropriate to touch someone at work? It was two years into my first job.

This was how I learned that some men have no control over themselves. I can’t even recall specific details of my experiences with catcallers. I am glad I am half-deaf so I don’t hear what they say half the time. The most recent one was a man riding his bike in front of me as I walked. When he saw me, he stopped and hung back so he could stare at my legs and ogle me. I was wearing shorts. It was high summer. The year is 2017. 

Let’s not forget the men in group chats sending each other pictures of girls and women they find attractive. Or those guys who comment nasty things when one of their friends adds a woman they just met. Or our president who has done his part in perpetuating rape culture: "si mayor dapat ang una.." Or our fellow women who fail to call out male peers when they start spouting off misogynistic ideas. Or even worse, fellow women who themselves cultivate these misogynistic ideas. These things has either happened to me or to another woman I know. We have met these men and women. I can guarantee you that every woman has at least one story along the same lines. This is the reality that women face every day.  So the next time a guy asks if there really is an inequality between sexes or across genders, I will tell you my stories, and the my sisters' stories. Fighting the patriarchy is a 24/7 thing. This is why I am a feminist.

On a positive note, college was also the time when I met friends who have grown into themselves. Lucky me, I got to be in an environment where it was safe to love the skin you're in. The period when we discovered ourselves and flaunt it the way we want to. Yes, there were more judgmental individuals who looked at other people's self-expression and behavior with disdain. But if you found a niche, you get to surround yourself with a supportive bunch. And you get to learn that there is power in owning exactly who you are.

GROWING INTO MY FEMINISM

Our interactions are often based on how we initially judge a person when they approach us. I took pride in being this extra judgmental person. It was a narrow way of viewing people: pausing to look at how they dress or carry themselves in public and judge them on this basis alone. We are somehow conditioned to judge people and make assumptions based on information readily available from them: how they package themselves externally. But I was EXTRA judgmental. I guess I was like this until I graduated, or until recently actually. I was holding other people to a standard that I didn't apply to myself. Now how does this relate to my feminism you might ask?

Well, I have consciously made effort to live within the principles I say I espouse. It is one thing to intend to be a feminist; and another to act like one. Your principles are hollow if you do not behave in line with them. The impact of your principle is far greater when your intent and actions are congruent.

More importantly, I would like to apologize to all the women I have judged harshly for the way they dress, the way they speak, the way they handle themselves. I apologize to the beautiful women who try their luck in life and love with AFAMs. You are brave and bold. I apologize to the girls who choose to dress conservatively and those who are more hubadera than I am. You are not defined by what you wear. I apologize to the women whose opinions I dismissed because of how they speak and look. I will take the time to listen to every woman because your experience is valid. I apologize to the women I did not bother to get to know because of how different they are from me. I will extend myself and be more empathetic next time. 

This is also the year when I chose to open myself up to the experiences of other women. My feminism is not complete if my view is only as narrow as my personal experience. I recently joined a feminist book club: a weekly gathering of women where we talk about women's issues and other intersecting topics about womanhood. I just saw an event on Facebook and decided to sign up. I have met women who have been abused but are now stronger because of it. I have met women who have reproductive health issues. I have met Christian women who self-identify as feminists. I have met women who struggled with their gender identities. I have met women who have been brought up in more or less the same circumstance as I was. But their experiences are different. Some are just coming into their feminism. Some are just discovering how else to fight the patriarchy and the system. Every meeting with them is a learning experience. 

But to truly understand the state of feminism in this country, I have to widen my circle even more and meet those people who live in very different contexts as I do. I am lucky to be friends with people who share the same ideas and give me access to things I otherwise would not see or hear. The online world is also a world of wonder where we can meet like-minded people who can take us to the streets. The world is our oyster and all that. All you have to do is put a hand out to reach your kind of congregation.